August 10, 2013
Thinking out loud or talking to yourself
This is not a personal diary, it’s short pages of my lonely and hopeless life, of which I’m getting pretty sick and which has recently disappointed me a lot.
I began to feel myself very lonely, and unnecessary to anyone except my mother. It seems to me that only mother is the only person in this world whom I can come to at any time, with any mood, and who will always understand and support me like no other.
I always think with fear that at some instant
Every time after a regular visit to them, I say to myself: “Do not go where you do not appreciate you. If they want to see me, they will come! “
It takes several days and I go to them again, like a rabbit in front of a snake — I can do nothing about it…
… Recently, in July, we went on holiday together in Transcarpathia. But I still regret it. I was excess — Irina’s family and I was out of the loop. I felt it every day during the whole trip. Perhaps they are right that I’ve imposed on them. Of course, it would be better for me to stay at home — it would be better for everyone.
September 20, 2013
I blame myself for stupid August words. It was a moment of weakness, when I felt lonely and didn’t matter to anyone. Little time has elapsed since since that day, and I feel good again, and I am happy. After all, Irina and her family are my family, and I always rejoice in all their successes and victories. I love Carolina and our boy Christian very much. And I feel good! And this is the main thing in life.
warm by the sea about 36 degrees. In this sea, I have never bathed! True, it is hot on the shore, but the water is an unforgettable experience!
On the island of Cyprus in the city of Larnaca. We rested as much as 10 days. Tanned arrived, but happy and rested in full. Life goes on! And let everything be all right. And though soon I’m 70 years old I’m not scared at all…
(I’m lying, of course)
I want to live another 5 years. I do not want me to feel bad and hurt. I just want to live. Let me go, mom. I beg you. Goodbye and know that you are always in my heart.
My mom died September 6, 2016. Very quiet and very fast. Forgive me, mom, if I did something wrong. I didn’t spend much time with you, sometimes quarreling with you. Now you are not there
Here came the New Year, 2017. For me, it did not start very well. Immediately after Israel, I fell ill. The liver is tormented every day, I do not sleep at night, but the worst thing is the big weakness. Irina says that my hemoglobin is lowered — and the reason is this. I try to eat more, because I have lost a lot of weight — the weight of 62 kg, when a year and a half ago it was 86 kg.
I do not know, maybe this is my slow death coming up. But I am not afraid, the only thing I ask from God is that when this moment comes, someone should be with me.
Dear girls do not be sad. All is well. Regardless, we will always be together. I will be next to you and with my beloved boy, Kristianchik. I do not want you to cry. Better remember me smiling and cheerful. After all, I was so. And beautiful, and with thin ears — the best and most beautiful ears in the world!
Smile, my favorite girls! I love you so much.
noun [feminine] /'nɔnːa/
grandmother, grandma, granny
Nonna, you didn’t like being called a grandmother. You have always been a big kid, even after you are seventy years old. You had cancer twice in your bright life. Knowing about this diagnosis, you actively traveled, traveled around almost the whole of Europe. But you made your last trip alone.
You wanted before your death someone was near. I held your hand in intensive care when the liver failure took over and you had only a few hours to live. The last thing I heard was: “Let me go.”
After your death I found your personal diary. There were moments when you felt too lonely, despite your close ones. There were moments when it seemed that you love this life like no other, while at others you did not leave the house for weeks, absorbed in apathy.
At home alone you made earrings from old beads, once brought from abroad. Immediately after your death, I took both earrings and beads for them. I began to wear these earrings and continued to create new ones. At your funeral, I decided to throw one of them into the grave, because I was very afraid of losing our connection. Since then, I wear an earring in one ear only.
We are born and die alone, but I still see you in dreams. You asked me to look at the sky more often after your death. In these moments, I can always hear your voice.
Are you still in my heart